The Pain Of Goodbye

I’d rather write than go after ‘My Boyfriend’ right now. This has been an ugly process. The
one where I watch more confusion set in. The one I cut my nose off to spite my face. The pain I’m
experiencing now is the furthest removed from where I started. And that makes it more painful.
The only part of myself I allow the pain to be felt is in the observer part of my mind. It notices
and says “svweeeeeiiiuuu, now that hurts” but I don’t physically feel any pain. That isn’t always
the case. I have realization moments that cause me to burst into tears instantly. No build-up.
Wailing. That is at the other end of the spectrum from the feel point of ‘The Observer’. And I
realized today that he can’t really know what I’m going through because he would have to have
thought about , in some great detail, the thought-feeling affect upon me, from each thing he said
to me. That’s not only showing the presence of an unusual fondness, but nearly impossible as
well, an uncanny memory to recall the instant random statements made by another, and that is
hard. Too hard for someone to do. To analyze someone else’s feelings. Most people don’t do it
for/to themselves.
So he’s not going through this with me. He doesn’t ‘get’ the things I have twisted and burned to
realize and come to understand, like I think he does. He isn’t tuned into any frequency I’m on
most of the time I think. I know because I believe the ways in which someone feels or knows
when they ARE on the same frequencies is you get a desired response from the person you are
emitting to. So me feeling like another is sharing in my pain and growing the same way from it, is a concocted fantasy of mine. I guess it has all along. Been that way. I’m starting to talk like Yoda.
So its like this push – pull, dissatisfying cycle of active components trying to get a spark. They
mean to slam into one another so they can create enough fusion to ignite, but they don’t. So they try again. Same thing. And that’s like one cell in a body made of trillions of cell, and every cell is doing that same thing. Yet the body must go on, and so it pushes itself with out the electrical sparks needed to run and it begins to breakdown. Lose it’s purpose,

Give up on itself. Begins to not see the good side of anything. Begins to not know there is a good side to anything. Begins to not care whether there is or there isn’t a good side to anything. There I am. That’s me.

You found me. Lost.
You found me hopeless.
You found me strange.
You found me alone.
You found me broken. Defeated. My little light all stomped out.

I couldn’t get him to care. I couldn’t shine a bright enough light somewhere else to get him to
even notice there may be easier and better ways to go about getting what he wants AND please
others. Like himself. I couldn’t convince him I was right about anything. Because he didn’t care.
He is in another world from the one I’m living in. And who’s to say my world is any better? His
world certainly is less emotional. And not taken up by psychological exercises and mental
limits experiments. Where your mind is expanded through grotesque examples of pathetic jargon and manipulative responses. Well, the manipulative responses part he actually does own the building now that I think about it.

Mindless. Present and clear danger. Soaking my mind in an acid bath of rejection and shame.
Why would I do that to myself? For love? How does that work? At some point I should have
jumped off before the ship was too far out to sea for me to be able to swim back to shore.
Now I am along for the ride until it’s conclusion. However bitter it may be. And that’s the saddest
feature of all, I expect. One I can see as well as feel.

Copyright
November 9th, 2015

The Quoracious Rising

I have trouble making decisions lately. Like two or three years now noticeably. We can talk about that later. Because right before I began typing this, I was checking my Quora account. Quora is a site where you ask questions and Quora sends your question to other users or people who are qualified to answer it. I first asked a question on Quora and I got some great answers back. They were so thoughtful it made me cry. People taking time out of their life to help me- a total stranger and I liked that. And it really helped me. That situation was one where my family or friends didn’t know how to help me, and I was vexed.

I think Quora is a brilliant idea. After asking and answering a hundred or more hours of questions over the years, Quora has become the go-to site that comes up right-at-the-top of my google browser now, I guess Quora compiled enough data to be able to answer the worlds questions now. Tricky though. I think they had big plans from the get-go. regardless, I figured, since I have a long history of Tech sites closing up shop and leaving town with my content, I thought I’d bring some of it over here and share it with you. My answers are better than my questions because I haven’t been back to read one of the answers to my questions. So please enjoy the article and comment below. Talking to myself again. What an elaborate fantasy I’ve worked up in my head. let me know if any of this content helps you or someone you know. That helps me. I hope that my insights and experience will help others. I believe one of the reasons we’re here is to Share What We Know. What We’ve Done. Set Good Examples. Get Over Ourselves, so we can get on to the business of enjoying our lives. Self actualizing. To become enlightened. Here’s a thought to leave with you……’Wisdom is based on secondary outcomes’ -Judy Lawrence

‘Diving Off Of Q U O R I T A N I A N I S L A N D ‘
By D.Ann Paxton

Profile photo for Doris Paxton


ANSWER TO QUORA QUESTION

“HOW DO I IMPROVE MY BEDTIME WITH MY PARTNER”

Doris Paxton

Producer/ Television Studio1y

Tips From The Field:

  1. Lighting. Lighting is more responsible for our moods than the kind of day we had. White over-head lighting gives a room a ‘I’m at work’ feeling and is not conducive to the possibilities of night. Those LED lighting strips are incredible in the bedroom at night. They come with remotes and have a range of colors where you’re sure to find just the right shade to make you look like a god or goddess, and promote healthy deep sleep. Deep dark blue is my favorite.

    2. Make it a point NOT to argue in the bedroom or have too many heavy discussions in there. Go out to a restaurant or on the porch to have serious or conflicting arguments or discussions. Keep the negative memories and/or feelings out of the sacred spaces.

    3. Each of you make a list of the things about your partners sleep habits that interrupt or disturb your own sleep patterns, and look for solutions. For example: Body pillows, wrap around pillow tubes, more pillows, less pillows.

    4. The experts recommend not having a tv in the bedroom because it interferes with sound sleep but I realize some people sort of live in their bedrooms, and that is not an option. In those cases perhaps set up a divided space. A cozy separated space with a little couch or a couple of chairs for the tv area, and then a bit darker, calmer quiet area for the bed space. Maybe hang a long rod at the end of the bed and attach a nice curtain to go across to help divide the space up better. Our bedrooms are the best place for dedicated healing and fantasy-like dream-inducing sleep.

    Hope that helps. Our houses should be shrines to our thriving existence. All love! Bye

    This is the first Quoritanian Article. I will post others. If there is a comment box, please share your thoughts with me about the piece. Together we can figure everything out. Thank you.

? ? ?

In the end, will it all be a bunch of nothing? No one’s anything? That seemed unfathomable and certainly I still qualify for that mindset, right? That I could spend a lifetime ticking away at some important tasks, some change-bigger than me, driving me, whipping me, saving me. Making me …lost? Tossed in the bin of goodbye forever, thanks for playing! No one will ever know what I had to say? Was it always going to be that way? I hope not. Because I couldn’t stop and it felt like it wanted it that way. Who am I? What is it?

I’m trying to hang on, trying to get someone to hear, to care. For I, all the while would do anything for a smile. Don’t want the world to suffer. There are so many where-sorrow is the savior faire. Don’t lose my records, I really care.

1.17.23 Thedoris Poleimis

My Own Not-So-Special Way

Like a night for a sunrise

Or a daytime for nightfall

My nights as a young girl,

Were bigger than me.

There were lights and cars and no one

Noticing, the horrors in my room.

But I grew up, and then nights

Became areas capturing

My put together magic-show.

The glimpses of the future me,

Winding my way through the cross

Navigating the Black Sheep Sea

Laying on my bed, deep in trouble

Knowing inside, thinking

Ill never be normal.

But things grew together

Sewn by time and the family weather

And the magic grew from another’s stare

Watching myself, sitting there.

Being watched, and now I can bend any nightime

To my will.

1.9.23 Thedora Poleimis

A Short Essay On Self-Pity

I’ve got meaning with no direction, yet

I’m still gaining new perspectives

But the tail end of everything

Is in my ear and whispering

I’m part of you now and fast approaching

little time. Longer lines,

Longer lists

If I was into making them.

I just want to play and contemplate

The moments in every way

When I should be ducking my rows straight

And questioning the magistrate

Thedora Polemas

May 9th 2021

The Winter Of Life

Are we scrambling for more time?
Leaving the all of everything behind?
Stack the pills upon a shelf
Slowly brace ourselves for death.

Is that all there is to life?
Is that all there was to time?
All the things left so undone
drop what I’m doing and just get in a line

Over before it begins
Start at birth and keep a record of it
No more good advice will do me any good
No more chances to do what I could

Without a word my word was sent
Without an ending, comes the end
No innings just outs
No more futures to talk about

The Spring came and went
Summer too short for friends
Fall is falling on the ground
When the winter of life comes around

Doris Paxton
July 12, 2023





The Blueprint Of Bliss

Well; this is a deep subject. Deep because trying to finish it will bring me face to face with those inner demons with whom I evade at every corridor . Deep because I really don’t know what I am going to say but yet intrinsically I know that what ever I say, will be something . So on to the idea that we could map out our happiness and dial it in like Tommy’s 4th grade school shot.

There I was, sitting there, pondering whether or not to go on will this silly charade or get up and do something else. Let’s talk about the something else for a minute shall we?

The something else is too horrible to think about so as I extrapolate stress and decode mental chaos, I want you to recognize what I do for my craft. How I suffer. Doesn’t even matter what my real problems are. That though is important. So where wasn’t I ?

Biggest thing: the double tiered clothes rack in my room collapsed. Initially it fell against the door and I was surprised how resistant it was to open. No. I wasn’t that. I was just tickled I had something new to do. Something involved that would take time to remedy, and especially fond am I of the tasks that also entail me having to rethink an entire room or start from scratch on some project. So there I was writing while I had so many other things to think about. figure out. Make decisions on.

And then it hit me! I could just stand up and go out back walk around to my sisters ethereal art garden and get high. That would a) get me mind off me troubles for minute!

b) Possibly allow for an idea to make the whole mess of my life an easier thing to manage. All healing comes through play. A lightening of the heart. And here we are: at a perfect segway to the article.

Bliss is what you experience when you let go of the grip the ego has on our consciousness.

Bliss is where you find yourself when you relate to other happiness

Bliss is when you feel so good, the world doesn’t have a care at all.

Bliss is seeing the thing you striving for ; achieved. Attained.

Bliss is certainly flying through the air. Bliss is certainly swing ing on a big swing.

Bliss is surely spending time raising a child

bliss is mostly a personal escalation of our sense of well being.

An enchanting moment in time spent gleaming

I’m still not anywhere closer to listing my woes am I ? Oh well. Maybe next never.

What is it going to take ?

Ah, the things I’ve learned in the past five years. Whenever I used to talk about the things I’d learned I usually had a captive audient or two and could expect participation and conversation by those listening. I don’t even talk about the things I’ve learned lately because I don’t want to take the chance that I will put myself out there on a limb socially only to be dismissed with less than I started with. I think people prefer to look at things in their own special way. That’s fine. So I don’t talk about it’ out in public anymore. A large portion of the things I want to talk about isn’t on the fringes so much anymore. I’m not talking to you anyway, I’m talking to the ones who are beyond entertaining the idea, and who don’t lock up at the first sign. Some of the shit we’re hearing is panning out to be true.

I have had to take my rants to cyberspace to feel like I’m still making headway. I just want to do my part to contribute to the efforts of those trying to raise awareness in the general population about these serious issues because that’s where the majority of those that can truly do something about it are. Unfortunately, the vast majority of people are the ones NOT getting the real news. They are the ones who do not listen and won’t look around for themselves to see whether it’s true or not. The general population is not asking questions and no one is demanding things be any different. Are we too afraid of what life will be like if we knew? Life is going to go like that regardless. Wouldn’t you think we’d at least want to know THE TRUTH about a thing? Especially in a country like what you think or thought ours is? Increasing numbers of perfectly sane people walking around with an important message to share and no one seems willing to even LISTEN? That is insane.

People it seems, used to put more faith in their fellow man and in other human beings and any in trouble or in distress had a reasonable chance of getting aid or help before, why not now? This blatant refusal by society to listen to his fellow man is killing the courageous efforts and slowing the roll of progress by people who care more about us than the rest of us do, and at a critical time when something CAN still be done about it all. Pretty soon it will all stop. This bothersome revolution will end. And there probably won’t be an opportunity like it in the future. A direct-deposited, nano-chipped, bar-coded carbon unit plugged into the grid, reliant on it for its every need. You certainly aren’t going to feel like organizing any protests then. It will be against the law most likely anyway.

But we have to know what is. We don’t HAVE to believe it, and we don’t HAVE to do anything about it, but I think we HAVE to know what is. Turning away from truth certainly has consequences. Showing blind loyalty to some corporate brand that enslaves children in their factories and rapes the planet of its natural resources is okay but taking the time out to listen to someone talk about something that seems really important to him, well that’s asking too much, isn’t it?

Who are the people having to think about what kinds of products and technology will give the little people either too much information or too many rights?

Who are the people that have to consider whether or not it is or will be or may become something that interferes with their profits or the lies they are perpetuating to protect them? What kinds of legitimate channels are in place so that process can be maintained in the public eye?

I Think it’s probably one group that looks at the product or the products ‘ingredients’ and reports on anything they have been trained to look out for. Then another considers the impact that a particular product may have. And another that decides whether or not it is violating any codes. I just realized that one agency that could do something like that is the U.S. Patent Office. I could see their employees spending their 8 hour days cross-referencing items against their specialized lists or data bases of any conflicts of interest.

Lies and more lies is what the government who’s controlled by the corporations who’s controlled by the banking elite has gotten really good at churning out. They have found very clever ways of doing it so that the general public is not aware of it. WE all go and get jobs out in the world because we are raised to believe that’s what our lives are for and end up working in some stupid job behind some stupid desk for some idiot boss who is trying to impress his boss by doing a bang up job in his new position and none of us know how things are all tied together.

I am basing my opinions on the fact that we are all much more alike than we are different from eachother. I am like everybody else in so many ways. I experience the same things, talk about it in the same way and can relate to things other people feel and I speak like and feel an alignment with and therefore are only capable of reacting the same and solve problems using the same methodology and techniques as most everybody else. That means my problems are the same, my difficulties are the same and my issues are the same as most everybody else.

Why and how you are raised does help determine how much raw creativity can or may or does go into the process of solving a problem on an individual basis but when and where you are born will parallel the accumulated knowledge in the collective consciousness and the like minded solutions that are available are there because the problems are unique to that generation. So someone 30 years ago is not as equipped to solve our current problems because they and their brilliant minds were formed at the time shortly following their birth and can only see solutions to their particular generations problems. Maybe we only have access to what’s been gained in the way of knowledge and experience gained up to that time. A few extraordinary individuals seem to have to ability to tap into an all-time future-past collective data base in some extraordinary way but that’s not the majority of people

The reason I sat down to write anything today is because I was thinking about how the people or persons knowingly involved in the industries that participate in the perpetuation and cover up of the global domination plan sleep at night. They lead and follow the line of obedient workers into deceitful and evil practices and are responsible for the continuing suffering among their own people; how they can live with themselves? I feel like they must be monsters but I know again as well that the monsters on this planet look like you and me and do not have any distinguishing features that separate them from any of the rest of us.

I know in my own experience how seemingly docile and meek woman and men poison their spouses for insurance money, I know that there are is entire population of people who profit and engage in illegal activities where people are kidnapped traded sold bought and used in slavery to other sick people every day. A whole industry thrives on it. And I know that there are people who feel so bad about themselves on the inside that they lie and deceive and cover up their behavior to their own families and loved ones. People owe money and will do almost anything for it. This is at the heart of the problem. Greed. But it is because the way our economy is set up. Our debt-based economy is perpetuated by using fear tactics like scarcity. I still don’t see how a person once made aware can knowingly allow him or herself to continue doing it. Knowing what it does to others. Now they may not know what they’re doing and may not know what it’s doing to others, but I’m having a hard time believing that they wouldn’t have gotten an inkling by now.

A shift in consciousness has occurred but perhaps those born before this generation or the one just preceding it, cannot make the conscious leap. WE are born in our time of influence and perhaps those born before this last global shift in consciousness cannot change their overall mind-functional awareness and sadly, will most likely have to die before we are free of the policies and laws perpetuating this cunning stupidity and can finally have a chance to end. Maybe it never will. I mean, it is changing already but getting the word out and being able to do anything about it is like an exercise in futility, What are you willing to do to keep your stupid job? I pray it isn’t what they’ve been willing to do.

Preamble To A Prelude

What is going on inside our minds when we feel moments of bliss?

What is is about any moment that allows us to source pure bliss?

What are the mechanisms involved in the feeling of happiness?

Has some sort of stipulation or agreement been met regarding a particular attachment we’re holding on to?

Has some order been created out of the chaos that is our everyday lives, and satisfied some specific requirement?

The Blueprint of Bliss.

Symbiotic harmonious frequency emission. Is the frequency pattern producing the tone or is the tone producing the frequency?

And is that sound something we could reproduce?

I think the physical and spiritual (mind and the heart) relationship converges in a beneficial or constructive alignment with the actual circumstances occurring in our reality, but can I make it happen at will?

Well I’ll answer my own question and say that I suppose I could at least create a fertile ground for the bliss energies to manifest. I could equip myself with the proper attitudes of openness and a gracious demeanor, and be in a positive mental state. And do things that are fun or of service. Being helpful, and conscientious and always looking for a good laugh won’t hurt neither! So never mind. All I really want to do is write and connect good ideas with people ready to hear them. They don’t have to be all mine, but this is my page! Go get your own. Just kidding. There is a page called Food4thot@thedorispaxton in my Facebook harem . I would love it if you did have something to say or an idea to share, for you to go there and please contribute! Thank you for being alive with me on this planet right now. I think this is the GREATEST time to be alive. (for those over 40). Maybe I’ll write about that next time. Until then …

To Learn Is To Burn

I have learned many things. Some things I’ve learned are truths that apply to me and my specific lessons in my own life and other truths are ones I can apply to life as a human being on planet Earth. I am a philosophical kind of person who also loves to teach, so whenever I learn something that applies to us all, I will generally find a way to write it down or put it in my ‘act’. My act being everything I present to the world on the stage of life. I have found over the years that I have condensed the general truths down to be pretty concise and also found myself hearing myself say the same condensed truths again and again. I have thought of numbering them and almost feel like I could just respond with a “Number 6” when it comes time for me to respond, but that might feel too arrogant so I haven’t yet. My family and friends have heard me say some things so many times, that’s all I would have to say for them to get my response. I love to write. I don’t love talking as much as I used to because my teeth are horrendous now, so writing is a perfect way for me to convey my expressions. What I have allowed myself to put into practice from my most recent spike in awareness of personal lessons, is how to argue even less with my sister. it used to be unthinkable to allow my Sister Laura to say something that wasn’t right or correct about me or anything for that matter. She has her version of me she re-tells to me and if it isn’t accurate, I HAVE to set her straight. This week for the first time, I let her be wrong. I let her think something that wasn’t quite true. I let it go. She and I can go from being best friends one moment and hating each other’s guts the next. Usually, our disagreeing with each other ends up with me having to leave the room and fume in another. It is destructive to our relationship we have fought long and hard to try and get along in, and disruptive to the household, and painful personally. We are no spring chickens and it’s hard to believe how childish and petty the disagreements between us can be. Our family and friends can only lower their shaking heads. It’s embarrassing. For them. We don’t care what anybody thinks about it, because to us it’s like being accused of murder when we are totally innocent. We vie for justice to the bitter end. As it turns out, it is much better to let someone be wrong about something that really, is of no consequence, save for having to steal back an item of clothing or see something illegally transferred in ownership sitting in her room or in her things, but aside from that no other harm is felt. The alternative and our choice for all the years that have come before it; is hurt feelings, time taken out of the game, (games we have to play together in the ‘act’ of life)+ being delayed or canceled all together and having lingering thoughts and feelings about hurtful things either she or I said to each other in the heat of the argument. Some of those things never go away and are fertile ground for future arguments. Today it is a delicate dance of diffusing, diverting, and de-prioritizing on our part, so we can get along. Going on in life with your family still very connected to yourself and your life is tough. It’s hard to forget all that you know about a family member and just let them be themselves, their ‘new’ selves, without reminding them who they were, who they’ve always been before. But it is a more evolved adaptation I believe it is a better method of getting along. Difficult people are everywhere in life and it would have been nice if at some point along the indoctrination (domestication) process (school), they would have taught us a bit on How To Get Along With Difficult People because they are everywhere. Notice the capitals? The title of my next blog. Or is it an article?